it’s time to buy my own island

this afternoon, on my way to work, i watched as two strangers both pulled over in a busy intersection to stop traffic. if you have ever been to ocean pines, you are aware of the goose population and their cavalier way of travelling the roadways without a care for the large rattling machinery that is hurtling toward them. two geese and their eight fuzzy babies were spread out across four lanes of heavy traffic because only two of the little ones could make it over the median strip. the others were scrambling while momma goose was honking in every direction.

one kind samaritan held off the cars while the other tried to encourage the remaining goslings over the concrete hurdle without touching them. after a few moments where i sat drop-jawed at the existence of human decency, the geese were all ushered across the street safely. then i realized that i should have been videotaping.

in these combative days where i am seeing too much ugliness from people, including some whom i love, it was just really great to witness utter kindness. there have been several instances in which cars have struck one of our winged neighbors and simply kept going. it gave me the warm fuzzies to know that some people don’t suck.  they took time out of their busy day to help some birds who some see as a nuisance.  would i have mustered the courage to put on my brakes and do the same if i had been first on the scene?

and then i noticed that i was the only person out of the twenty or so cars stopped who rolled down their window and gave these people a “good job, guys!” and my happy little bubble was burst, my cynicism restored.  everyone else just sped off to their important lives and were probably more irritated by the delay than emotionally affected by the compassion.  what a thankless act, being kind.

sometimes, i don’t wanna play here anymore.

coffee cup wisdom

i apologize if you ran into me today.  it was a shit day.  i had a bad attitude and i took it out on nearly everyone around me, except for the paying customers.  a girl’s still gotta eat. after work, i was hoping that some retail therapy would cure what ailed me, but that, like other things in my life these days, fell short of expectation.  when shopping fails to elevate my mood, i know something stronger is afoot.

as i wandered the aisles of sparkly cheer, i could feel my funk being exacerbated by the impending holiday.  my financial situation means sparse gift-giving to those i love. i’m single again.  i am suddenly one cat short of my usual brood.  all in all, bah humbug does not even begin to cover it.

and then, amidst the salad spinners and the “kiss the cook” aprons, i found this.  or rather, this found me:

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a coffee mug.  a three dollar, mass-produced-in-china piece of clay.  a utilitarian vessel hanging on a wall of hundreds just like it.  and somehow, even though blue isn’t my favorite color, it reached out and smacked me in the face.  it cut through all of the “keep calm”s and the “life is good”s and actually said something that i could hear.

make it happen.

because only i can.  i can bitch about my job, and my bills, and the stagnancy of my soul, but that brief release isn’t going to fix a damn thing. i can drown myself in bad tv and good wine, and the next morning will still begin the same way.  unless i do something about it.

we all need to wallow from time to time, and the length of said wallowing is different for every person and situation.  in the end, only i can decide that it is time for action.  only i can say that tomorrow is not going to be another shit day.

professional procrastination

so here i sit, with a deliciously coveted sunday off of work. there are a handful of things that i want to do, such as writing a blog post that i got the brainspark for two days ago, and going out for a photography session on this almost 50 degree january day.  there is a crucial list of things i need to do including exhausting-sounding gerunds such as cleaning, purging and organizing.  my favorite thing to do on a day of rest is try out a new, elaborate recipe and hope the outcome is a nectarous end to a luxurious day of, well, rest.

with the limitless possibilities tugging at me and the tv remote always at the ready, this is the discourse that just took place in my head.  this is the monologue that occurs more often than i am proud to admit.  this is the true inner-workings of a procrastinator who is seasoned in her craft.

ok, so it’s 2 o’clock now.  the sunset is at 5:14 so i need to be somewhere photogenic by 4:30 at the latest which means i have to leave the house around 4.  if i shoot for around an hour, that still gives me five hours before i have to pick leanne up from work.  writing a blog post usually takes me a couple of hours so if i put the pork chops in the crock pot when i get home from taking pictures, then i can finish writing before dinner is ready.  but i don’t want the food to get cold before we eat so i should probably write first and then work on dinner. i can throw a load of laundry or two in there.  and the floors could really use a vacuum and mop in their lives.  the bedroom should be vacuumed too.  alright so i will leave at 4 to take pictures, be back home by 6, throw in a load of laundry, bust out the vacuum and the swiffer, then sit my ass down in front of the computer for an hour.  but no facebook and no tv.  i could always leave now to take some shots so that i catch more sunshine.  maybe if i change out of my pajamas i would feel more motivated.  hmm.  but this episode of roseanne just started.  and it’s a really funny one where mark punches out the jukebox at the lobo and dan lies for him to cover his ass.  and of course everyone gets caught.  you can’t hide that shit from roseanne.  ok, so after this episode is over i will stop being a lazy piece of shit and go be productive in the world.  or at least what i consider productive.  because taking pretty pictures isn’t going to clean out my closets. god, i really need to get all those bags of donation crap out of the third bedroom so i can take pictures of the drafting desk i want to sell.  i can do that tomorrow before i go to work.  then i can work on turning that into a library and hang all the local artwork i have acquired.  crap, i need to get up with laura to buy that photo from her.  we’ve been talking about that for months.  i need to shoot her a message.  but i can do that later when i’m not wasting daylight.  ok.  i should probably eat something before i leave the house.  i wonder if i can make a toasted ham and cheese sandwich before this show is over.  eh, if not, what’s one more half hour going to change?

seriously people.  and it just goes on.  in the time it takes me to rationalize all my actions, i have pilfered away the time i could have actually been doing all the things that i was thinking about doing.  in the end i usually end up just staying on the couch and wallowing in self-hatred.

the hardest part of being a procrastinator by nature is the lack of understanding from non-procrastinators.  do you think i want to be this way?  do you know how much easier life would be if i had unlimited ambition?  i certainly have the time.  my house could be immaculate and organized.  college would have been much less stressful if i could have written my papers sometime previous to the night before they were due.  i probably could have sold some photographs before christmas.  my blog would be famous if i utilized all the free time i have on my hands properly.

this is me, for better or for worse.  i will always be this girl.  my brain chemistry requires a certain reward system.  i can guiltlessly enjoy bad tv marathons as long as i swear to fold laundry on every commercial break.  i can have one more cigarette as long as i load the dishwasher immediately after i stub out the butt (and yes, i’m still working on re-quitting.  it’s much harder this time. that’s a whole different blog post).  even the small things, like answering emails or calling to make a dentist appointment are put off for days, sometimes weeks. i am sure it seems senseless to you eager beavers out there.  you just don’t get us.  it’s a constant cycle of self-bartering and broken promises.

but there is always tomorrow.  that is the cornerstone of living the procrastination life. tomorrow is the bane of and reason for our existence.  with inexplicable rationale, us procrastinators always believe that tomorrow will be there, waiting for us, and that sounds like downright positivity to me.  i will go to bed tonight disappointed that i watched five episodes of roseanne instead of hitting the beach with my camera.  i will get up in the morning and not harp on my shortcomings.  instead, i will start the conversation all over again.  i will revel in the small victories of each day, even though sometimes they are as excruciatingly small as writing a blog about slacking on my blog-writing.